I love the smell of a lonely heart in the morning.

Today I find myself in a state of incessant reflection on my life; past, present and future.  Like an RPM needle bouncing from one side to the other as one revs the engine of their car, my mind jumps from one lifestyle to the next weighing the results I have accomplished while living each.  I find myself longing for one thing in particular and I cannot help but ponder how I can obtain it.  I feel lost…helpless in a station of loneliness.  The emptiness I feel inside far surpasses that of hunger or knowledge…it’s not a want for sustenance or intellect…it is a desire for love.  The need of a soft touch, the presence of a warm body at my side, the rapture of a passionate kiss.  How I yearn for these moments once again; to take hold of a moment and make it feel like an eternity.  I had hoped I found what I had searched for, but am defeated by distance and means.  A dream seeming to shatter before my eyes and I am taunted by the broken pieces at my feet.  I wish to fix it…to make it whole again, but am again bested at every turn.  I wish for an opportunity, I pray for a miracle, I work towards a plan, but feel I am no closer to obtaining my goal.  Do I give up?  Do I concede and offer up my sword in surrender?  These are the questions that constantly attack my mind and cripple my consciousness.  I love today; perhaps more than I have ever loved, but am mocked by an army of foes no physical weapon can harm.  The battle goes on…the war waits on the horizon.  How long can I last?  Will opportunity knock?  Will my prayers be answered?  Only time will tell.

I wouldn't go all in with that hand

At some point in our lives each and every one of us take a long look at ourselves and ask, "what do I bring to the table?"  For the majority of us this is a truly humbling experience as we are forced to face our imperfections head on.  For the rest of you, not finding an imperfection is your imperfection...just a friendly FYI.  Moving on. I often dissect myself (not literally, of course, as I have no confidence in my ability to put things back the way I found them) and take a closer look at things from several different angles.  Every time I do I am overwhelmed with the sheer amount of improvements I need to undertake in order to be up to code.  I have a sneaking suspicion that if there were recalls for people, I'd be on my way back to the factory.  That being said, I'm glad that I see those imperfections and know that they're there.  Luckily for us we all have redeeming qualities that assist in helping our imperfections be overlooked by those who love and support us.  This does not, however, give us the "green light" to stop all efforts of bettering ourselves and settle for the "that's just the way I am" excuse.  Yes, that is just the way you are NOW, but is that really the way you want to be THEN.  No one's perfect...we're all far from it.  The quicker we realize this the brighter our futures become.  So, yes...I would go all in with my hand; because even a high card can take the pot sometimes and there's still time to work on my game.

Whatcha doin' there?

To write or not to write?  It's been awhile since I've sat down and collected my thoughts enough to determine whether there was anything of worth to actually jot down.  It's made me realize how much I miss putting things down on paper...er...computer screen.  So much has happened; good and bad.  But it's me we're talking about...did you expect anything else?  Everyone has their own way of dealing with emotion overload.  Some people cry, some people drink, some people try and hold it in for a little longer (I'm guilty of this also).  Myself?  I write (usually).  Writing allows me to unleash the emotions and thoughts that would normally swim around relentlessly in my head until all that was left would be a stew of useless babble.  Luckily I usually purge these thoughts before they can do too much damage.  So why now?  Why after so long in silence do I write?  It's time to purge, my friends.  I won't go into detail in this blog, but use it only to warn of the oncoming barrage of discarded thoughts that will inevitably ooze from my mind and find themselves here in the form of organized chaos.  Some will focus on the emotional moments I'm having, while others will focus on my new goal of writing some stories that have been devoid of structure for way too long and have earned their place on paper.  Brace yourselves.