I love the smell of a lonely heart in the morning.

Today I find myself in a state of incessant reflection on my life; past, present and future.  Like an RPM needle bouncing from one side to the other as one revs the engine of their car, my mind jumps from one lifestyle to the next weighing the results I have accomplished while living each.  I find myself longing for one thing in particular and I cannot help but ponder how I can obtain it.  I feel lost…helpless in a station of loneliness.  The emptiness I feel inside far surpasses that of hunger or knowledge…it’s not a want for sustenance or intellect…it is a desire for love.  The need of a soft touch, the presence of a warm body at my side, the rapture of a passionate kiss.  How I yearn for these moments once again; to take hold of a moment and make it feel like an eternity.  I had hoped I found what I had searched for, but am defeated by distance and means.  A dream seeming to shatter before my eyes and I am taunted by the broken pieces at my feet.  I wish to fix it…to make it whole again, but am again bested at every turn.  I wish for an opportunity, I pray for a miracle, I work towards a plan, but feel I am no closer to obtaining my goal.  Do I give up?  Do I concede and offer up my sword in surrender?  These are the questions that constantly attack my mind and cripple my consciousness.  I love today; perhaps more than I have ever loved, but am mocked by an army of foes no physical weapon can harm.  The battle goes on…the war waits on the horizon.  How long can I last?  Will opportunity knock?  Will my prayers be answered?  Only time will tell.

I wouldn't go all in with that hand

At some point in our lives each and every one of us take a long look at ourselves and ask, "what do I bring to the table?"  For the majority of us this is a truly humbling experience as we are forced to face our imperfections head on.  For the rest of you, not finding an imperfection is your imperfection...just a friendly FYI.  Moving on. I often dissect myself (not literally, of course, as I have no confidence in my ability to put things back the way I found them) and take a closer look at things from several different angles.  Every time I do I am overwhelmed with the sheer amount of improvements I need to undertake in order to be up to code.  I have a sneaking suspicion that if there were recalls for people, I'd be on my way back to the factory.  That being said, I'm glad that I see those imperfections and know that they're there.  Luckily for us we all have redeeming qualities that assist in helping our imperfections be overlooked by those who love and support us.  This does not, however, give us the "green light" to stop all efforts of bettering ourselves and settle for the "that's just the way I am" excuse.  Yes, that is just the way you are NOW, but is that really the way you want to be THEN.  No one's perfect...we're all far from it.  The quicker we realize this the brighter our futures become.  So, yes...I would go all in with my hand; because even a high card can take the pot sometimes and there's still time to work on my game.

Whatcha doin' there?

To write or not to write?  It's been awhile since I've sat down and collected my thoughts enough to determine whether there was anything of worth to actually jot down.  It's made me realize how much I miss putting things down on paper...er...computer screen.  So much has happened; good and bad.  But it's me we're talking about...did you expect anything else?  Everyone has their own way of dealing with emotion overload.  Some people cry, some people drink, some people try and hold it in for a little longer (I'm guilty of this also).  Myself?  I write (usually).  Writing allows me to unleash the emotions and thoughts that would normally swim around relentlessly in my head until all that was left would be a stew of useless babble.  Luckily I usually purge these thoughts before they can do too much damage.  So why now?  Why after so long in silence do I write?  It's time to purge, my friends.  I won't go into detail in this blog, but use it only to warn of the oncoming barrage of discarded thoughts that will inevitably ooze from my mind and find themselves here in the form of organized chaos.  Some will focus on the emotional moments I'm having, while others will focus on my new goal of writing some stories that have been devoid of structure for way too long and have earned their place on paper.  Brace yourselves.

Life? I always liked the cinnamon best.

Remember that time when you thought you had everything you ever wanted and more?  I do.  Remember that time when you thought you couldn’t possibly feel more lost and that things couldn’t get worse?  I do.  Life is a funny thing; just when you think you have it all, you lose your grip and can only watch as it runs through your fingers.  On the flipside; there are those times when you think you will never know happiness again, until you can’t seem to stop smiling.  People enter and exit your life; sometimes faster than you’d like them to.  Others stick around, but act like a TV channel that comes in some days and not others, no matter how much time you spend messing with the damn antenna.  There are those times when you have too much time to think and times when you are too preoccupied to think at all.  I find myself currently dealing with the former.  Is that a good or a bad thing?  Well, it’s complicated.  When you have time to think, your mind will usually go one of two ways (mine does, at least); you will either reminisce about the past or envision your future.  Sure, you may ponder on the present, but that’s not always as interesting.  Regardless of what you find yourself thinking about, you will inevitably come across happy times and sad times alike.  There is no past without hardships and there is no future without obstacles.  But it’s that glimmer of hope that keeps us going; it’s that voice in our head telling us that the future holds limitless opportunity and joy that will counteract the loss and sadness.  Likewise, when we think about the past, there will be times when we think about something that never fails to make us hurt all over again, but then we remember the happy events that came after.  That is life…an experience filled with ups and downs, but is ultimately only what we make of it.

Clean-up on aisle "Life"

It’s tough to see the structure you’ve built over a long period of time tumble and fall into a heap of indiscernible rubble.  It’s hard to rummage through the debris and collect the bits and pieces of the experiences you’ve had, the people you’ve met and the obstacles you overcame.  You sit and look over the scene and wonder what could have prevented the fall; what could you have done differently and would it have changed where you find yourself today?  That question is, of course, irrelevant; we cannot change the past, no matter how much we would like to.  You soon accept what has happened, store those memories you wish to retain and move on.  There is a short period of time where you are floating forward in a dream-like state, separated from reality as the truth sinks in.  When you snap out of your slumber, you find yourself in a new place with all the materials you need to start over.  You then realize that you have the opportunity to build something stronger than before, using your previous experiences as mortar.  Brick by brick, day by day, you start to see things develop as you encounter similar obstacles that stand in your way; and you face them with a smile, because you’ve done this before and you know that you're stronger than you were before.  You don’t give up; this is why you're here, this is what you do.  Look up and give Him a wink; then tell yourself, "I got this", and do your thing, kid, because He's your biggest fan and He's always rooting for you.

Sanctuary

Thoughts are relentless.  The struggle between good and evil never-ending.  Every situation is assaulted by a barrage of possibilities, a myriad of solutions.  But which are right...which are wrong?  What are the consequences and potential benefits of each?  It amazes me each time I wake up and find that my mind continues the endless crusade to offer up any and all possible answers to the incalculable quandaries laid before me every day.  I grow tired of this war; I yearn for a refuge where, uninterrupted, I can retreat from my thoughts and remain unburdened for a spell.  But there is a place, I’ve been there before; it seems like forever ago, but I’ve stood in that room…I’ve felt the fabric of the furniture with my fingertips.  Dormant from my life for so long, a familiar voice calls to me and it calls me by name.  It’s a name I haven’t heard in a long time, it’s a name that only the disembodied voice and I would know.  I’m closer now, closer than I ever was before, but it’s still out of reach.  My outstretched arm can’t quite get me within range of this haven…my destination.  It’s close, very close and I get closer to seizing it with every new day.  I will attain it, I won’t stop until I do…I’ve come too far.  I will walk into the room, I will feel the fabric on my fingertips, I will close my eyes and there will be peace…serenity.  I will have arrived at my objective and there waiting for me, untold treasures that I have denied myself for so long…so very long.

Vacancy

I slowly slide the key around the ring, waiting for it to break free of its circular prison.  I can’t help but think of a children’s puzzle that’s extremely easy to complete in an effort to boost a little tike’s sense of accomplishment.  After seconds, the key falls loosely into my hand—my heart drops slightly in my chest.  I drop the keys remaining on the ring into my pocket and instantly notice how much lighter they feel without the heavy key gripped tightly in my hand.  I take a deep breath and let out a sigh as I reach forward and lay the key on the counter.  As I walk towards the door, I notice that I can’t feel my feet touching the ground as I step; I feel weightless, as though I am floating towards the door rather than walking.  The hardware on the door is warm and inviting as I wrap my hand around it and twist the knob.  I don’t want to leave, but before I can react, I’m already outside.  I can hear the faint “swoosh” of the door as it slowly closes behind me.  With my back to the entrance my mind strays, I think about what I have left behind, I think about all the wonderful times I had in that place and I think about what could have been if I would have done something differently.  I can’t stop the door from closing, I dare not try, because I know that there’s no going back.  When that door closes, I will never be able to step across that threshold again—my heart sinks a little more.  The door finally comes to a rest with a “click”.  I turn around and observe that it’s already been welded shut.  I hang my head for a moment, silently saying my goodbyes to that happy time in my life.  As I turn away from the door, my eyes fall upon another door a little farther down the crimson hallway.  I know I haven’t been there yet—and I don’t know when I will be able to muster up the energy or the courage to see where it leads.  It’s too soon…and I have yet to find a key that could potentially turn the bolt and reveal the mystery held within.   I know that I will see what's behind that door someday, it’s inevitable…but not now…not for awhile.